The Beast Wars’ Secret Diaries
by Super Metal Sonic
Summary: The diaries of the Beast Wars are revealed as we see the Beast Warriors' point of view of thier adventures. Everything you...probably never wanted to know about them.
1. Optimus Primal

**The Beast Wars' Secret Diaries**

**The secret diary of Optimus Primal, season 1**

DAY 1: We appeared to have landed on a mysterious planet. Due to the unusual high Energon levels, I'm now sporting this monkey suit. Rattrap says I look good in it. Go me!

DAY 2: Despite that turbulent first day, I have decided that this is not a bad planet. We also have a new comrade called Dinobot to fight with us in our battle against the Predacons. He's not bad, if you look past the fact that he tried to kill me as soon as we met.

I wonder why he left Megatron's team?

DAY 3: I'm sick already of Cheetor. He keeps insisting he's as good as anyone else on the team. Yeah Riiiiight, that's why his mum bribed his way into the academy with cookies.

They're not bad really.

Anyway, Cheetor went missing today and Rhinox send Rattrap to find him. Stupid cat.

DAY 4: What on Cybertron is with Cheetor and getting into trouble? Why he's shooting back and forth between the bases, I don't know? And Dinobot seems to be grinning a lot lately.

Is Rattrap staring at me a lot, or is it just me?

DAY 5: I'm starting to hate my mother.

She was the one who told me to be captain of a ship. It's easy work, dear. You'll get a great and loyal crew, dear.

Not to mention getting trapped and probed by some alien thing.

I wish I had Tetris in here

DAY 5(later): I'm gone for ONE HOUR and the crew picks a new leader?

Loyal crew my aft. Thanks a lot, Mom.

DAY 6: I'm starting to worry about Rattrap. During patrol today, he was a bit too eager to ride on my back. I also think he's trying to grope me when I'm not watching.

In Pred news, Terrorsuar got high on hemp, thought he was Britney Spears and began to dance around the skies in front us signing "Hit me baby one more time".

Rattrap keeps staring at me. Now it's getting creepy.

DAY 7: I'm staring to worry about Dinobot's grip on realty. He was telling the rest of the Maximals about how "glorious" my "glorious funeral" is going to be.

I was shot in the arm! I'm not dying!

Why is it, I have to do everything? I'm unconscious and I still have to do all the work with the stasis pod!

Still, Dinobot gets a promotion for tricking the Predacons into dancing the cancan in front of an Axalon security camera.

Wait, he was the one who said he would organise my funeral.

…. Forget about the promotion.

DAY 8: Seeing the protofrom that the Preds got and the one we got, I've decided that we got screwed!

WHY can't we get a hot spider babe over here? Rattrap might stop staring at me.

Speaking of whom, I sent Rattrap on a "super secret spy mission" to the Pred base as a fake traitor. Six Predacons, four Maximals and he still came back.

Stupid Predacons. Stupid Rattrap.

WHY WON'T HE STOP STARING AT ME!

DAY 9: The quest to make Rattrap stop staring at me continues.

He asked me if I liked bananas. I said yes. He asked me if I like whipped cream. I said yes. He asked me if I like whipped cream and bananas on rat.

After that, I ran very fast.

In other news, a probe from Cybertron came and then left.

The quest continues. Damn probe.

Day 10: If that $$($&( rat looks at me one more $$$ time, I'll $££ kick his ($! And everyone on this $))$R() planet can kiss my $$$($, and that includes the Maximals.

Yeah, and you too, Mom! #$.

DAY 11: I asked Rhinox to try and solve my rat problem. He built a computer system to kill Rattrap. He's a good friend.

Rattrap's still alive.

Stupid computer. Stupid Rhinox.

DAY 12: Man I wish we had cable. Adding a laugh track would make it much more funny when the Preds blow themselves up.

So, thank to Dinobot the Axalon will never fly again, and thank for laughing when I told you Rattrap was sending me valentines.

Damn Dinobot. Your patrolling the lava pits next time.

DAY 13: Rhinox is never to leave the base again. Five minutes after he left the base he got turned into a Pred.

Dinobot returned from patrolling the lava pits. Is it me, or does he seem scared of Rattrap?

Primus, can we have just ONE female for Rattrap to go after?

DAY 14: I had the prefect plan get rid of Rattrap. Megatron owed me a favour for saying he can have the next stasis pod after the next with no Maximal inference.

So he cloned Dinobot, which should have worked. I mean, one Rattrap against two Dinobots? Easy.

But wrong. Rattrap offered to show the clone how to "chomp" a rat and it immediately committed suicide.

Damnit, I gave up a stasis pod for that!

DAY 15: I let Rhinox leave the base again and what does he bring back from a stasis pod?

Proof that Primus hates me and that having Rattrap annoy me is my punishment.

Why is that flat-chest girl is staring at me?

ewww.

DAY 16: Great. The creepy broad and the tiger hippie decided to cruise around the wilderness for a while. They give us a call. Oh nice, they found a floating island armed with weapons.

I told them to investigate. If the island killed them, Rattrap and Cheetor were going up next.

Primus damnit, his mom's cookies were good, but not that good!

In the end, the island was destroyed. Flat-Chest and Tree-Hugger are still alive.

Damn floating islands.

DAY 17: That clone was worth something after all. What a crazy looking ant.

It almost got rid of Tigatron. Must try harder tomorrow.

Rattrap is still staring at me.

DAY 18: Ook! OoK ook ook. Ooook

Um.

Damn beast mode! Ook.

DAY 19: The next time I send all my useless and creepy troops out to get killed, make sure they get killed.

They were blind and yet they STILL beat Waspinator and Terrorsuar!

Damn Flyers, can't they do anything right!

DAY 20: I made sure Rattrap went on patrol with Dinobot this week.

Strange thing is, Rattrap seemed to enjoy that as well. Dinobot runs, screaming, from Rattrap now.

Starscream' ghost possessed Waspinator. Whatever.

Oh, got to wear my cool new sunglasses today. Rattrap said they made me look hot.

… That's the sound of lava eating through glasses, oh yeah.

DAY 21: The one day we should have let Rhinox out of the base. Primus that smelled bad!

What was Airazor doing against my leg?

Ewww I need to bleach myself. And what was Rattrap thinking touching my shoulder cannon.

Hellooo! My personal space! Stay out of it or I'll break you.

DAY 22: Primus, will Tigatron EVER shut up about this planet? Oh, boohoo, the trees are on fire, oh, cry cry, we hurt a duck or sparrow or stone or something. He's worse then Cheetor. Geez.

Maybe we can trade him for Inferno. At least Inferno doesn't whine.

Dinobot started a pool back at base: Who Thinks Tigatron Was Shagging That Other Tiger?

I'm in it for ten credits. Dinobot says he has proof the tiger was shagging _Tigatron_.

Either way, ew.

You know, for an "honorable warrior," Dinobot's pretty strange.

DAY 23: I finally found a use for Cheetor.

He has pot! Nice, quality pot. Hmmmmm. Mmmm.

Maybe he's not so bad after all.

In other news…whoa, I've got hands…I talked with this really cool talking head today about monkeys and munchies and why I'm flattered, but Rattrap scares me. The talking head said it was a ruse, really, but nyah, I know otherwise.

For some reason, that weirdo Tigatron…dude, stripes, heheheh, coooool…yeah, well, he broke in the Predahead base and found out some bad stuff.

Yeah. Heheheheheh.

Whoa…heya Rattrap…whazzzzup?

DAY 24: Egh. Did I get hit on the head by a mallet?

I KNOW Dinobot has some pictures of me and Rattrap and I want them BACK! And destroyed!

That's it, Cheetor's going down.

Huh. Seems like we have a truce now with Megatron. And that second moon in the sky is transforming to a giant missile launcher.

…I'm not still high, am I?

DAY 25 : I am at my wits' end, but finally, freedom in sight! I'm in a stasis pod now, writing to you from about a hundred miles from that stupid crew and stupid planet.

They think I'm going off to destroy the alien device. Heheheh. Riiiiight. Cybertron, here I come!

I hate this planet. And I hate this crew! And screw off to the Axalon, Pimping life here I come!

……Megatron? What?

……

Crap.


	2. Megatron

**The secret diary of Megatron, season 1**

DAY 1: We have landed on a very mysterious planet that is not earth, no matter still plenty of Energon. Too much Energon acutely, so now I have ended up looking like Barney.

Dinobot laughed at my new form so I banished him from the Predacons.

That'll teach him.

DAY 2: That traitor Dinobot! He joined the Maximals! Well, I'll just have to destroy him as well.

We found a mountain of Energon today, but it was destroyed.

Damn, oh well more where that came from.

DAY 3: Scorpinok came back with a new cannon to add to our base. Perfect.

Tarantulas has vanished. That's not a good sign.

He came back later, looking like the Pit, when asked all he did was mutter about Cats and Rats with eager hands and left.

Weirdo.

DAY 4: I'm beginning to worry about Primal's plans. His recent one seemed to involve beaming Cheetor into our base, trying to annoy us to death?

Terrorsaur got beamed to the Maximal base and told Dinobot how it happened. Oh look the traitor sent us a bomb.

Terrorsaur is an idiot.

DAY 5: It seems we're not alone on this planet.

An alien probe arrived today and abducted Primal. The Maximals named Rattrap as leader, I was sure we would win, I mean Rattrap as leader. Easy victory.

Rattrap came out of the Axalon, wearing leather and holding a whip. I had never seen the Pradacons run so fast.

Crap.

DAY 5(later): Primal's back.

Double Crap.

DAY 6: Today had promised to be a good day, until Terrorsaur found some super energon and used it to beat me senseless.

Scorpinok and Waspinator fixed me and the Maximals blew up the mountain of Energon.

Turkey boy is going down.

DAY 7: A stasis pod had landed today. I sent Terrorsaur and Waspinator to kill Primal and, what a surprise, they failed.

At lest Primal won't be flying soon.

While the Maximal were busy retrieving the pod, Tarantulas, Scorpinok and myself attacked the Maximal base.

Not only did that fail, but also we lost the Protoform.

I should have just shot those tigers, yesss.

DAY 8: We hit the Jackpot!

Now it will only be a matter of time before the Maximal join in order to get a chance with Blackarachina.

Speaking of which, Rattrap has already betrayed the Maximals.

Why was he staring at me and not at Blackarachina?

By the end of the day we paid the Maximals to take Rattrap back.

DAY 9: Tarantulas had built a new weapon today. It worked quite well, till it blew up.

A probe came to day. We fought the Maximal, and blew up their satellite transceiver.

So much for the Maximal's plans to get Satellite TV.

Day 10: I've learnt a very important lesson today. Never trust Scorpinok with anything scientific.

Not only did he turn Primal into a raging Berserker that beat the slag out of everyone, but also the device he used blew up the entire base and me as well.

The scorpion will die.

DAY 11: I let Blackarachina, Terrorsaur and Waspinator come up with a plan to destroy the Maximals.

They were going to use a bomb of some kind I don't know. I wasn't paying attention; I was staring at a piece of spinach in my dino head's teeth.

When did I last eat spinach?

DAY 12: We just found out the Maximals have been watching us.

Apparently they decided to make a TV, show about us since we stop their Satellite T.V

I made a plan to attack them and steal the film of Blackarachina to entrain my troops. Dinobot interfered.

So, thank to Dinobot the Axalon will never fly again. Moron.

DAY 13: I had Tarantulas capture Rhinox. Five minutes later I turned him into a Pred.

He seemed to have been fitting in quite well, but then he tried to take my command.

So Rhinox is back with the Maximals and back to normal… well as normal as it will ever get.

DAY 14: Optimus cashed in on his favour. I owed him after he said I can get the next pod after the next.

So I made a clone of Dinobot and for what? To get eaten by Dinobot.

Still, got a free Stasis pod.

DAY 15: A stasis pod landed today and the Maximals got it.

No matter, after seeing the new femme, I know they will be begging to join the Preds to get close to Blackarachina.

Yessss.

DAY 16: Terrorsaur and Waspinator have just reported back from their attempt to kill Tigatron.

Hmmm. They found a flying Island.

I told Scorpinok and Blackarachina to investigate.

The island got destroyed and everyone's still alive.

Damn!

DAY 17: Maybe Primal did get the better part of the Clone for a Stasis pod deal.

Not only did the ant failed to kill Tigatron, but he's also creeping everyone out.

Why is Inferno staring at me?

DAY 18: Stole the Maximal base's shield system.

The Maximals have to stay in beast mode, leaving them defenceless.

Of course we had to retreat when Primal started throwing poop at us.

Eww… I can still smell it.

DAY 19: Scorpinok reported in today, oh how nice he got rid of four of the Maximals in an Energon explosion.

Computer reported that the all Maximals survived. Damn scorpion

I sent Waspinator and Terrorsuar to finish them off, but that failed of course.

Damn Flyers, can't they do anything right!

DAY 20: We've won and taken control of the Maximal's base, if only for a short while.

Waspinator seemed to have possessed by Starscream's ghost

Yeah right, I think it was Waspy just went insane.

I seem to be the only sane guy left.

I am sane, right?

DAY 21: Today has to be the worst day in my life.

First I find Inferno building a shrine to my underwear. Witch is weird enough.

Then I get defeated by Rhinox farting on me!

Six baths and I still feel so unclean.

DAY 22: By the Pit! Won't Inferno ever stop staring at me?

He's been following me around the base, I'm sure!

I wonder if Primal would be interested in a trade?

Must get rid of the ant!

DAY 23: Inferno has finally shown a use for himself.

He brought me a gold disc made by the aliens and offered it to me as a wedding ring.

After beating Inferno half to death, I found that the disc is useful.

I arranged a truce with the Maximals.

Was it just me or was Primal acting weird today?

DAY 24: The spiders are up to something, I'm not sure but it seems to involve Tarantulas giving Blackarachina large sums of money and weird noises coming from their rooms.

I sent Inferno to follow them to the Axalon and find out what they are up to.

Oh, the aliens have arrived. I think I'll welcome them with a fruitcake.

DAY 25: The aliens have decided to blow up the planet.

Well to use an over use expressions.

Crap!

…

Hmm, Primal is flying into space in a stasis pod. Do I still have that turn a stasis pod into a bomb program?

**Up next Rhinox's diary**


	3. Rhinox

**The Beast Wars' Secret Diaries**

**The secret diary of Rhinox, season 1**

DAY 1: Despite my best efforts, it seems we landed... or crashed. Anyway.

Great, no more batteries for me! My chainguns need forty SuperEnergizers apiece, but with all this Energon I'm set for life.

What in the Pit is this horn doing on my nose?

DAY 2: For reasons unknown to us, Optimus let that Predacon drifter join our ranks. He doesn't seem so bad. He's grinning a lot.

Wished I had my chainguns in beast mode. Wipe that smile right off his face!

Optimus was glaring at me earlier today. Like I would give him a ride to the huge SuperEnergizer Energon Mountain. Pleeeese!

DAY 3: Cheetor is really annoying everyone.

And Rattrap seems to be trying to grope Optimus.

I would like to help Optimus, him being our commander and all, so I sent Rattrap out to find Cheetor. The kid got his head stuck in a gopher hole. I was hoping Rattrap wouldn't come back.

Why is he always around me? He's not my friend.

Well at least it's not me he's groping.

DAY 4: Looks like the Preds are keeping busy. But I really wonder what's the point of building a device to shoot Cheetor back and forth between the bases. Maybe it's chemical warfare?

DAY 5: Okay, I want to know why I wasn't nominated for leader!

Like a grinning Pred deadhead and a pervert rat with eager hands are good candidates.

Oh, Primus…this crew. Rhinox, Optimus is gone! Rhinox, Optimus left the door open! Rhinox, Optimus was eaten by a giant alien construct! Rhinox, the toilet is clogged!

Can't they do anything by themselves? And as for the toilet, I can't help it if I can't I had the bean burrito!

DAY 6: Optimus is starting to worry me. He keeps mentioning that the walls have eyes and furry rat butts. I think the stress of keeping ahead of Rattrap is getting to him.

Damnit, I need to get out of the base more, Terrorsaur found a mountain of Super SuperEnergizer energon…and I missed it!

My chainguns weep.

DAY 7: Whoohoo! I finally got to use my babies!

Big Rhinox and the Twins, teehehehe.

That bridge never stood a chance.

Then again…can anyone explain to me just WHY we couldn't let Megatron shoot some tigers? Not like they were Maximals.

Well, one was, but that's beside the point.

Tigatron. Hm.

DAY 8: I'm getting more worried about Optimus. He's started talking to himself about the walls again.

Good news, Optimus did have a plan to get rid of Rattrap. Bad news, Rattrap came back from the Pred base.

Slaggit.

I just KNOW Optimus is going to make me patrol with him next time… and he'll probably ask for an "accident" to happen.

Well, if that happens, he owes me eighty more batteries. My Twins are hungry! They want MORE.

DAY 9: We almost made it back home today.

Despite this, I'm actually pleased we didn't. That damn High Command would have taken all the batteries for themselves and their stupid wars.

My twins need them. They still want more…

It was kinda fun staying in Beast Mode.

Day 10: I wonder if I can get some cyber-bees. Maybe then Dinobot won't come back...

Okay, so he's not as bad as Rattrap. But what the SLAG is with him grinning at me all the time?

In other news, Optimus went on a rampage today. And these people wonder why I never leave the base?

And am I the only one surprised that Rattrap didn't beat Dinobot when Dinobot brought Optimus flowers? Am I?

DAY 11: Once again I prove that without me, the Maximals would still be trying to open the CR door.

Can anyone explain why Dinobot is so enthusiastic about the security system? "Sentinel" is code word for "mouse trap."

But like anyone expects warriors to think.

Come to think of it, was that a TEAR in his optic when everyone thought Rattrap was dead?

Hm. Maybe he was sobbing openly because he was so happy.

Gee…I'm almost sorry I disappointed him.

DAY 12: I thought I was happy yesterday. Moreso today! The SupaEnergizers of this world belong to ME! ONLY ME! Bwahahahahahah!

….er.

Anyway. The Axalon will never fly again, such a shame, such a shame.

Okay, who was Rattrap trying to fool when he was talking about all the females missing him on Cybertron? All the males there are surely celebrating that he's stuck with us.

That's why I can't make my celebration more apparent. Optimus would pound me.

DAY 13: You know, being a Pred was fun. I mean it, really! I could shoot everyone with the twins of Rhinox Power and no one complained!

Hm. If only the place hadn't smelled so bad. Is Megatron the only one who takes a bath?

Stupid Optimus! WHY did he have to turn me back? I was THIS close to getting a date with Blackarachnia.

DAY 14: It looks like I'll need to reload the twins every day now.

That creepy Dinobot not only got himself cloned, but ATE IT when he was bored with playing with it!

That's so ew.

And what if he gives Rattrap ideas?

…double ew.

DAY 15: Okay, so Blackarachnia she's not.

But Airazor is NOT THAT BAD looking!

Optimus is just mad that Rattrap will still be staring at him.

Transformers don't need bosoms. They need nice compact bodies with room for more twin chain-guns to attach.

Oh, yeah, that's right baby.

But my lovely lust-filled lady declined my offer to stay at base. sigh She says she wants more distance for now, before she really decides on having chain-guns mounted on her shoulders and knees and wrists.

What's there really to think about?

DAY 16: I do not like Tigatron

He somehow ended up with MY Airazor! Damnit, I made her, she's mine!

Just because he saved her on some floating island.

That's it, my twins are staying with me!

… She so heartless, but I want her so. sigh

DAY 17: I found reason to like that new Pred. Other than the fact he can't sit down, which is funny…

He almost killed Tigatron! Airazor was almost mine again!

….tramp.

…stupid Predacon.

For giving me such hope in these dark times, I must now kill the ant.

DAY 18: …… Ergh!

Mind….weakening…. growing dumb!

Damn…… horned…… beast mode.

DAY 19: I'm getting suspicious of Optimus now.

For some reason, he sent ME out with the creepy rat, the weird raptor, and Cheetor. The purpose? To mine energon.

HELLO? What was wrong with our usual style of waiting till the Preds mined some, then stealing it from them?

So we end up getting blasted and all of us lose our sight.

I…am REALLY wondering about Optimus now.

Why is it that I am always the person everyone looks to for miracles? Do I see this kind of attention on payday?

Maybe I should've listen to Ma and became a reprogrammer.

We got to the base.

And still no pay rise!

DAY 20: Boy, what humiliating day.

Waspinator seemed to have been possessed by some evil Decepticon and not only did we lose the fight but the Preds took our base.

Still, maybe they'll commit suicide when they find the stuff in Rattrap's room.

Also, Dinobot needs to lose some weight. What has he been eating, zebra herds?

DAY 21: I've found the perfect way to get back at all these worthless morons (and that tramp)…wild bean vines!

That's right! Add those to a nifty little cough drop, courtesy of Scorpinok, and my days of ruling the Axalon are now! Er, make that the pieces of the Axalon…

And for the record, wild bean vines are NOT hard to digest! That was all Optimus' fault. He complained all the way home…what did he EXPECT Ex-Lax covered beans to do?

DAY 22: I may still have a chance with Airazor.

Apparently that creepy Tigatron has been doing something icky with a real tiger.

What real tiger, in its right or wrong mind, would want TIGATRON?

Ew.

Dinobot's started a pool as to who thinks Tigatron was shagging the tiger. I'm in it for twenty credits. Everyone KNOWS he's a creepy, and this bestiality may be just what I need…

_Later…_

Okay, who here would have EVER imagined that Airazor tramp was into organic animals too!

DAY 23: I now learnt what I should have concluded along time ago.

This crew is Slagging nuts! Unbelievable insane!

It maybe in my best interest to just kill them all… but there's still that tiny chance Airazor may see the error of her ways.

Grr. That moron Tigatron got himself lost in the Preds' base, so we had to save his butt. And what did he find out from all this? The fact that Inferno likes to spy on Megatron in the hot tub.

That is just way too much information for my liking.

Is Optimus acting strange, or is it just me?

He actually let Rattrap TOUCH him…

And Dinobot just won't SHUT UP or stop laughing!

…he's the first one that'll go. After Tigatron.

DAY 24: Heh. Optimus WAS high yesterday!

That explains the noises from his quarters, at least…

Huh. So now we have a truce with Megatron.

Can anyone ELSE tell me why we're being led by a crackhead who lets Rattrap grope him? Can anyone else ALSO explain why I'm not the leader still?

Primus damn stupid democracy.

…and Optimus insists he's not high still. Yeah, Primal, like giant renditions of Unicron appear every day here.

What did I ever do to deserve this?

DAY 25: Well, here I am in the CR chamber again, writing what may be my last journal. For once and for all, Optimus has proven he cannot live with the shame of letting Rattrap grope him repeatedly over the course of a day. Hence, he is taking our only stasis pod to attack the enemy moon.

…I'm glad I can say that with a straight face, hehehe.

Hey, HE was the one that told me my big twins couldn't have more add-ons or batteries! So it's not my fault at all that I, in a rage, set that stasis pod to explode on impact with any giant alien artefact thingies.

Oh, it's so good to be me.

…so Optimus is the first one to go, not Tigatron. Huh. Better rewrite my Bad List later…cheerios, Primal!

It is so good to be me. Oh, yeah baby, yeah.

**Next diary: Scopinok**


	4. Scorponok

**The Beast Wars' Secret Diaries**

**The secret diary of Scorponok**

DAY 1: We've crashed. Well at lest it warm here. I am now a scorpion too.

Dinobot had another one of his dramatic moments and challenged Megatron; I knew this was going to be trouble so I sent him away.

I still can't believe he fell for the chocolate mountain routine.

DAY 2: Slag! Dinobot joined the Maximals, but because of that I've now been promoted to Second in command. We found this huge mountain of Energon today, but unfortunately it was blown up.

Maybe we shouldn't have fired missiles at it.

Oh well, live and learn.

DAY 3: Today has been a good day.

Not only did I find a mega cannon for the base, but also I blasted Cheetor!

Yeah baby, I rule!

Tarantulas is up to something, he vanished after I shot the cat and wasn't seen all day.

I knew we shouldn't have hired someone referred by a guy named Wonko the sane.

DAY 4: I'm really worried. Cheetor somehow got beamed into the base today and we spent all day chasing him about the place.

The smell of sulphur and cat do not mix… Primus, this place smells worse then before.

Terrorsaur also seems to have developed a fear of cats and toilets.

DAY 5: Great, as if we didn't have enough enemies, we got aliens to contend with now.

I just hope they're not the face-hugging, busts out of your chest kind.

Megatron and Waspinator went to investigate and were returned to us badly damage!

To prepare myself, I've been watching those Alien films. I'm ready for anything now.

Later… 

I've learned a valuable lesson to day… never trust a stupid movie to give you fighting tips.

DAY 6: Why did we bring Terrorsaur along, I'll never know.

First he shows up and some how beats the slag out of Megatron, then proclaimed himself leader.

And then he started to singing "My heart will go on" and then ran off.

After getting Megatron out of the CR tank, we found out that the "Super Energon" he found was really hemp.

Where are we getting these people?

DAY 7: A stasis pod has landed and Megatron has sent the flyers to get it.

Megatron then took Tarantulas and me to try and take over the Maximal base.

Dinobot lets us in exchange for some beer.

Things went pretty well until we found Rattrap's room… I never ran that fast before in my life.

Terrorsaur and Waspinator retuned. The protoform became a Maximal

Crap.

DAY 8: Damn! It's a good thing we got that stasis pod.

It's like they say, "first you got the pod, then you get the power… then you get the women".

In other news, Terrorsaur claims that since Rattrap surrendered to him and became a Predacon, he should be leader.

Megatron decided to let him. The Maximals attacked and, what a surprise, turns out Rattrap wasn't a traitor.

Odd though, the rat did somehow make the place smell better.

DAY 9: The Maximals have built this strange tower. Megatron ordered me to find out what it did.

I sneaked in to get a closer look by painting myself brown and said I was Dinobot, I heard Primal say something about a satellite.

They must be planning to try and get satellite T.V.

Also, Tarantulas built a machine to lock the Maximals in their beast mode,

We don't know why, especially when they started biting us.

For a scientist, he's an idiot.

Day 10: I finally got to show Megatron, that my Cyber bees are not useless.

I programmed one to make Primal into a raging psycho. It was the perfect plan; he would have killed that annoying crew of his within the second he returned to base.

How was I supposed to know that the Cyber bee would get homesick and make Primal came to the Darkside?

After the explosion, Megatron had one more punishment for me.

It took three hours to get the Cyber bee out of my butt.

DAY 11: Booooring!

Megatron sends Terrorsaur, Blackarachnia and Waspinator on a mission while I have to stay at the base! With Tarantulas!

He spent talking about his life… I've learnt things about him I never wanted to know.

The others came back. Talk about embarrassing, not only did they fail but the lost to Tigatron.

I'll be laughing at them for weeks.

DAY 12: After careful examination, I have deduced that the base is free of any Maximal spying device.

Then Terrorsaur tripped over the cable to a spy camera… after Megatron was done yelling at me and I got my hearing back, Megatron came up with a brilliant plan to beat the Maximals.

Then Dinobot went and spoil the plan. Damn.

So now the Axalon will never fly again.

What's worse is that the Maximals keep sending us video clips from the spy camera.

DAY 13: We reprogrammed Rhinox in to a Predacon today; you'd think that's good right?

Wrong! He became a slagging psycho!

He crushed me under junk, knocked Waspinator senseless, threatened to cook Terrorsaur and drugged Tarantulas and Blackarachnia.

And as soon as we turned Rhinox back, the Maximals came in and beat the slag out of us.

Waspinator still thinks he's Shrapnel.

Sigh I best go and make sure the bug brain doesn't try and eat the walls again.

DAY 14: Megatron has asked me to help him create a clone of Dinobot.

The plan was to make the clone act gay, so that the Maximals would get rid of Dinobot.

Unfortunately, I dropped my lunch into the cloning tank and the clone became have chicken.

I still don't know were Dinobot got the barbecue sauce from.

DAY 15: Cold, so cold.

A stasis pod landed and Megatron sent the widow and me to get it.

Tigartron then shows up and turns me into a block of ice thanks to his freeze ray.

Thank Primus that we live in a lava pit, where it's nice and WARM.

DAY 16: I hate black widow spiders!

Terrorsaur and Waspinator found a floating island in the sky and Megatron sent Blackarachnia and me to investigate.

Not only did Blackarachina trick me into falling off the island so she try and take the island's power for herself, but she kept hitting on me and when I refused, she started asking me what it's like on "the other side", what the Pit she was talking about I don't know.

Wait a minute… she can't think that I'm… can she?

DAY 17: I don't like that new Predacon!

Inferno has only been here for two hours and already he's been promoted to second in command.

I was the butt-kisser here first! Oh Megatron, you hurt me so sigh yet I love you so.

…. That is love as in the love between two friends, not as the love between two lovers.

Er… I'm not gay!

…I think.

DAY 18: Megatron came up with a brilliant plan today.

By stealing the Maximals' shield generator, we were able to trap them in their beast modes.

They then started acting like real animals, so we got some guns and tried to hunt them.

I still can't believe that we got our butts handed to us.

Why Rhinox chase me for three hours I don't know, but why the hell did he have to sit on me?

DAY 19: Can those Maximals be any more stupid? Waspinator and me have been standing in the open for an hour and they haven't seen use, what are they blind?

Oh wait, the Energon explosion, they are blind, right.

DAY 20: I'm getting worried about Megatron.

He keeps yelling that the walls have eyes and red ant butts.

I think the stress of avoiding Inferno has finally got to him.

At first we simple left him alone, but when started shooting at the walls, we had to intervene.

In other news too day, some ghost possessed Waspinator, tried to double-cross Megatron.

DAY 21: Ewwww the smell! What in the world has Rhinox been eating?

Still worrying about my sexuality, so I asked Inferno if he thinks I'm gay.

… After explaining to Inferno what gay means, I could see by the look on his face, that he didn't have a clue of what I said. He then ran off screaming about "defending the Queen".

I really need to see a shrink.

DAY 22: I'm getting more worried about Megatron, he started talking to himself about the walls again.

We decided to restrain him when he blew his tenth hole in the wall.

… In hindsight we shouldn't had Inferno help, one look at the ant and Megatron began screaming and shooting wildly…

Terrorsaur, Waspinator and Inferno were the only ones NOT hurt too badly to fight the Maximals.

And all they did was kill that stupid real Tiger.

Chalk up another lost.

DAY 23: Megatron has finally calmed down after yesterday.

I still don't know why we now have two gold disks now, but we've arranged a truce with the Maximals while Megatron plans on how to get rid of Inferno.

That damn Tigartron got into the base, we've got to get rid of that cat flap, and we had to chase him out of the base.

Sniff sniff ewww…. He left us a gift. I best get the pooper-scooper.

DAY 24: Crap, there's a giant alien construct outside the base.

It looks like a giant mushroom.

In other news, Tarantulas and Blackarachnia are up to something in the Axalon and Megatron sent Inferno after them.

Also, Terrorsaur and me are to accompany Megatron to the alien site.

Nothing good will come from this sigh Megatron's yelling at the walls again

DAY 25: Well this looks like the end. I don't mean the alien doomsday device that's about to destroy the planet, I'm talking about the end of my life.

Man, I wish I could say this with a straight face.

With all these aliens, crazy allies and pervert rats and ants with eager hands, I've decided what's the point.

So I "accidentally" fell into the lava. Hee hee, so long suckers!

You know it maybe the fumes, but I think Primus is talking to me.

What did you say Primus? There's a hot tub filled with femme for me! I'm there!

Matrix here I come!

**Next diary: Dinobot**


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